What Is Over-Parenting and Are You Doing It?
Jay Shetty Podcast with with Dr. Aliza Pressman
In today’s fast-paced, hyper-connected world, parenting has become more complex than ever. With the rise of social media, endless parenting advice, and societal pressures, many parents find themselves questioning whether they’re doing enough—or perhaps too much. Over-parenting, also known as “helicopter parenting,” is a term that has gained traction in recent years, but what does it really mean, and how can you avoid falling into its trap?
In this blog post, we’ll explore the concept of over-parenting, its impact on children, and practical tips to help you raise confident, resilient, and emotionally secure humans. Drawing insights from developmental psychologist Dr. Aliza Pressman, host of the Raising Good Humans podcast and author of The Five Principles of Parenting, we’ll break down the key principles of effective parenting and how to strike the right balance.
What Is Over-Parenting?
Over-parenting refers to the tendency of parents to excessively involve themselves in their children’s lives, often with the intention of protecting them from failure, discomfort, or hardship. While this may come from a place of love, over-parenting can inadvertently hinder a child’s ability to develop independence, resilience, and problem-solving skills.
Key Takeaway: Over-parenting often stems from good intentions but can lead to children who struggle with self-regulation, decision-making, and coping with adversity.
The Five Principles of Parenting
Dr. Aliza Pressman’s The Five Principles of Parenting offers a roadmap for raising emotionally healthy and resilient children. These principles are rooted in developmental science and emphasize the importance of relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, and repair. Let’s break them down:
1. Relationship: The Foundation of Secure Attachment
The parent-child relationship is the cornerstone of healthy development. A secure attachment provides children with a sense of safety and trust, which allows them to explore the world confidently.
Practical Tip: Be present for your child, but don’t try to fix everything. Dr. Pressman emphasizes that your role is not to eliminate all discomfort but to be there as a supportive presence. This helps children learn that they can navigate challenges and return to a place of safety.
2. Reflection: Know Yourself to Parent Better
Parenting is as much about understanding yourself as it is about understanding your child. Reflecting on your own upbringing, values, and emotional triggers can help you parent more intentionally.
Practical Tip: Write a mission statement for your parenting. Ask yourself: What kind of parent do I want to be? How do I want my child to describe me when they’re older? This exercise can help you stay aligned with your values and avoid over-correcting based on your own childhood experiences.
3. Regulation: Manage Your Emotions to Model Resilience
Children learn emotional regulation by observing their parents. If you can stay calm and composed during stressful situations, your child will learn to do the same.
Practical Tip: Use fewer words and more body language. Dr. Pressman suggests that young children, in particular, benefit from physical communication. For example, placing a hand on your heart and taking a deep breath can help calm both you and your child during a meltdown.
4. Rules: Set Boundaries with Love
Discipline is not about punishment but about teaching. Clear, consistent boundaries help children understand expectations and develop self-discipline.
Practical Tip: All feelings are welcome, but not all behaviors are. This mantra from Dr. Pressman reminds parents to validate their child’s emotions while setting limits on inappropriate behavior. For example, it’s okay for a child to feel angry, but hitting is not acceptable.
5. Repair: It’s Never Too Late to Mend
Mistakes are inevitable in parenting, but what matters is how you repair the relationship afterward. Repairing ruptures teaches children that conflicts can be resolved and relationships can heal.
Practical Tip: Apologize when you’re wrong. If you lose your temper or make a mistake, acknowledge it and apologize. This models accountability and strengthens the parent-child bond.
The Dangers of Over-Parenting
While it’s natural to want the best for your children, over-parenting can have unintended consequences. Here are some of the risks:
- Lack of Resilience: Children who are shielded from failure may struggle to cope with setbacks later in life.
- Dependence: Over-involved parenting can lead to children who rely heavily on their parents for decision-making and problem-solving.
- Anxiety: Constant intervention can send the message that the world is a dangerous place, leading to heightened anxiety in children.
Key Takeaway: Over-parenting can rob children of the opportunity to develop essential life skills, such as resilience, independence, and problem-solving.
Practical Tips to Avoid Over-Parenting
Here are some actionable strategies to help you strike the right balance:
1. Encourage Competence, Not Just Confidence
Dr. Pressman emphasizes that confidence comes from competence, not praise. Instead of constantly telling your child they’re amazing, help them develop skills that build self-efficacy.
Example: If your child struggles with math, work on small, achievable goals together rather than doing the work for them. Celebrate their progress, no matter how small.
2. Let Them Struggle (A Little)
It’s hard to watch your child struggle, but overcoming challenges is essential for growth. Allow them to experience failure and learn from it.
Example: If your child forgets their homework, resist the urge to bring it to school. Let them face the natural consequences and learn to be more responsible.
3. Be a Cat, Not a Dog
Dr. Pressman uses the analogy of being a cat rather than a dog when parenting older children and teenagers. Be present but not overbearing. Give them space to come to you when they need support.
Example: If your teenager is upset but doesn’t want to talk, let them know you’re there for them without pressuring them to open up. Sometimes, just being in the same room can provide comfort.
4. Set Boundaries Around Technology
Social media and screen time are major sources of anxiety and comparison for children. Set clear limits and have open conversations about the impact of technology on mental health.
Example: If your child is spending too much time on social media, work together to set boundaries. For instance, no phones at the dinner table or during homework time.
5. Model Self-Compassion
Children learn by watching their parents. Show them that it’s okay to make mistakes and that self-compassion is an essential part of growth.
Example: If you lose your temper, apologize and explain how you’re working to manage your emotions. This teaches your child that everyone makes mistakes and that repair is possible.
The Role of Temperament in Parenting
Every child is unique, and understanding their temperament can help you tailor your parenting approach. Dr. Pressman references the concept of orchids and dandelions to describe how children respond to their environment.
- Orchids are highly sensitive and thrive in supportive environments but may struggle in less nurturing settings.
- Dandelions are more resilient and can adapt to a wide range of conditions.
Key Takeaway: Pay attention to your child’s temperament and adjust your parenting style accordingly. What works for one child may not work for another.
The Importance of Repair in Parenting
One of the most powerful tools in parenting is the ability to repair after a rupture. Whether it’s a disagreement, a moment of frustration, or a misunderstanding, repairing the relationship teaches children that conflicts can be resolved and that relationships can withstand challenges.
Practical Tip: Use “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, instead of saying, “You made me so angry,” try, “I felt upset when this happened.” This approach fosters open communication and reduces defensiveness.
Building Confidence Through Skill Development
Dr. Pressman highlights the importance of helping children develop skills that build confidence. Competence breeds confidence, and children who feel capable are more likely to take on challenges and persevere through difficulties.
Example: Encourage your child to take up a hobby or activity they’re interested in, whether it’s playing a musical instrument, learning to cook, or participating in sports. The process of mastering a skill, even if it’s challenging, can boost their self-esteem and resilience.
The Power of Reflection in Parenting
Reflection is a powerful tool for growth, both for parents and children. By taking the time to reflect on your parenting journey, you can identify areas for improvement and celebrate your successes.
Practical Tip: Keep a parenting journal. Write down your thoughts, challenges, and victories. This practice can help you gain clarity and perspective, and it can also serve as a valuable resource for future reflection.
The Role of Discipline in Raising Resilient Children
Discipline is often misunderstood as punishment, but Dr. Pressman reframes it as a teaching tool. Healthy discipline involves setting boundaries while allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their actions. This approach helps children develop self-discipline and resilience.
Practical Tip: Focus on teaching, not punishing. For example, if your child breaks a toy, instead of scolding them, discuss the importance of taking care of belongings and involve them in repairing or replacing the toy. This teaches responsibility and problem-solving.
The Impact of Social Media on Parenting
Social media has added a new layer of complexity to parenting. The constant comparison to other families and the pressure to present a perfect image can lead to over-parenting and anxiety. Dr. Pressman advises parents to focus on their own values and goals rather than external validation.
Practical Tip: Limit your own social media use. If you find yourself comparing your parenting to others, take a step back and remind yourself that every family is unique. Focus on what works for your child and your family.
Final Thoughts: The Journey of Parenting
Parenting is one of the most challenging and rewarding journeys you’ll ever undertake. It’s not about being perfect but about being present, reflective, and intentional. As Dr. Pressman reminds us, “Our job is not to fix, it’s to be there.”
By focusing on building a strong relationship, setting clear boundaries, and allowing your child to experience both success and failure, you can raise confident, resilient, and emotionally secure humans. Remember, it’s never too late to make changes and repair the relationship with your child.
Final Five: Quick Parenting Insights
- Best Parenting Advice: All feelings are welcome, but not all behaviors are.
- Worst Parenting Advice: You just want your kids to be happy.
- Something She Changed Her Mind About: I would be better.
- One Skill Every Parent Should Build: Reflection.
- One Law for the World: Hunt for the good.
If you found this post helpful, be sure to check out Dr. Aliza Pressman’s book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and her podcast, Raising Good Humans. And remember, parenting is a journey—not a destination. Embrace the challenges, celebrate the wins, and keep striving to be the best parent you can be.
