How to Save Your Relationship: 5 Essential Strategies to Avoid Failure
The Mylett Show Podcast with Jocelyn and Aaron Feeman | July , 2025
Relationships aren’t failing because of lack of love. They’re failing because they aren’t evolving.
If you’ve ever found yourself arguing with your partner, feeling like you’re misunderstood, unappreciated, or stuck in a loop—you’re not alone. Most couples experience tension, but few understand the underlying forces at play. This post dives deep into the real reasons intimate relationships suffer, and what you can do to future-proof yours.
Why Most Relationships Fail (and How Yours Can Thrive)
At the core of every strong relationship is a shared vision. Not a fairytale or fantasy, but a grounded understanding of who you are as a couple—and where you’re going together.
“Without a vision, we perish. It’s the same for a marriage.”
This profound insight underscores that couples can’t just survive on autopilot. Whether you’re newly in love or decades deep, every relationship needs to be redefined periodically. The person you were five years ago isn’t the person you are today, and that applies to your partner too. Growth in a relationship means regularly revisiting your shared goals and values.
To thrive, couples must proactively ask:
- What does our next chapter look like?
- What dreams are we working toward?
- Who do we need to become individually and together to get there?
Real-life example: A couple married for 15 years started experiencing tension. Instead of assuming it was about “drifting apart,” they sat down and created a new vision board for their marriage. Turns out, one partner wanted to travel more while the other prioritized building a community locally. They found alignment by setting a goal to live abroad temporarily while staying connected to home through digital tools.
The Power of Curiosity in Long-Term Love
One of the most overlooked principles of a successful relationship is staying curious. Yes, curiosity—like the kind you had when you first fell in love.
“When you lack interest, they become less interesting.”
Over time, many couples fall into the dangerous trap of assumption. You think you already know everything about your partner, so you stop asking questions. But here’s the truth: humans evolve. Our dreams shift, our fears morph, our perspectives mature. If you’re not actively seeking to understand your partner, you’re missing out on discovering who they are today.
Trending Tip:
- Stop asking, “How was your day?” Instead ask:
- “What challenged you today?”
- “What’s one thing that surprised you this week?”
- “Is there something you’ve been thinking about lately that you haven’t said out loud?”
Practical advice: Schedule a “Curiosity Date” once a month where phones are off, and you simply ask each other questions—no distractions, no judgment. Rediscover who they are now.
From Conflict to Connection: Understanding the Argument Hangover
The “Argument Hangover” is that lingering fog that follows a fight—the emotional residue that makes you feel disconnected, distracted, and drained.
“It’s not about avoiding conflict. It’s about how you repair afterwards.”
This concept is a game-changer. Instead of fearing conflict or sweeping issues under the rug, healthy couples learn how to navigate disagreements and recover quickly. Conflict doesn’t damage a relationship—unrepaired conflict does.
Signs of an Argument Hangover:
- You feel emotionally distant even days after the argument.
- There’s tension in your body or tone.
- You replay the conversation over and over.
The emotional aftermath of a fight can negatively impact every area of life—from parenting to work productivity to self-esteem. That’s why learning how to deescalate, reflect, and reconnect is crucial.
Pro tip: After an argument, resist the urge to “move on” without resolution. Instead, use the 5 R’s (below) to restore connection.
The 70/20/10 Rule: A Blueprint for Conflict Management
Phase | % of Time | Focus |
Proactive | 70% | Assertive communication, unmet needs, desires |
During Conflict | 20% | De-escalation, emotional regulation |
After Conflict | 10% | Repair, responsibility, reconnection |
Insight:
- 70% Proactive: This is your sweet spot. By regularly expressing your needs, appreciation, and frustrations in a calm, preemptive way, you reduce the likelihood of blowups.
- 20% During: Even with strong habits, arguments will happen. This is where you manage your triggers, breathe, and avoid escalation.
- 10% After: The smallest time window, but often the most neglected. This is where trust is rebuilt.
Use this rule as a weekly self-check: Are you spending enough time in the 70%?
What’s Your Communication Style?
Most of us weren’t taught to communicate consciously. Understanding your and your partner’s communication style can change everything. According to the Freemans, there are four types:
- Assertive-Flexible: Open, direct, and collaborative.
- Assertive-Inflexible: Dominant and unyielding.
- Reserved-Flexible: Quiet but open to dialogue.
- Reserved-Inflexible: Withdrawn and unwilling to engage.
Self-reflection questions:
- When I’m upset, do I express my needs clearly or shut down?
- Do I listen to understand or to defend myself?
Big Idea:
You don’t have to change your style. But you do need to adapt it to better align with your partner’s needs.
Pro tip: Try using softer language and affirming your intent before giving feedback: “I want us to understand each other better, and I know I could have said this differently.”
5 Rs for Repairing Relationship Damage
Here’s a practical, memorable framework for recovering from conflict and healing the connection:
Step | Purpose |
Reflect | Identify the root cause of your upset. Was it fear, hurt, or misunderstanding? |
Responsibility | Acknowledge your role. What did you say or do that contributed? |
Reconnect | Reach out with honesty. Express regret and desire to repair. |
Remind | Revisit your shared agreements and values. What did you both commit to? |
Reconcile | Close the loop. Forgive, re-align, and move forward. |
Walkthrough:
- Reflect: Journal or think through what emotion was triggered. Get to the real why.
- Responsibility: Avoid “you made me feel” language. Instead try: “I realize I was reacting from a place of insecurity.”
- Reconnect: Initiate calmly. “I want to repair this. I value you more than being right.”
- Remind: Reinforce shared goals. “We promised to never yell. Let’s revisit that.”
- Reconcile: Don’t just say sorry—follow it up with changed behavior.
The Same Team Mindset
When tension rises, it’s easy to feel like you’re facing off in a battle. But if you’re fighting each other, you’re losing.
“Are we on the same team?”
These six words can instantly de-escalate conflict. Instead of fighting each other, shift the energy to fighting the problem together.
Practical Application:
- Use team language: “How can we solve this?”
- Remind each other: “We’re in this together.”
Case Study: During a stressful airport delay, one couple began to bicker. The wife paused and said, “Are we on the same team?” The argument dissolved, and they navigated the rest of the day in harmony.
Speak to Their Greatness, Not Their Gaps
It’s easy to point out what your partner is doing wrong. But true love means reminding them of their potential, strengths, and character.
“Speak to their greatness—they will rise to meet it.”
When you focus only on shortcomings, your partner feels criticized, not cherished. Instead, reflect on why you fell in love in the first place.
Actionable Tip:
- Start a “Greatness Journal”: Write down one thing you admire about your partner every day for 30 days.
- Say it out loud. Don’t wait for special occasions.
Why this works: Affirmation energizes your partner. It reminds them who they are beyond the moment.
The Love Account: Deposits vs. Withdrawals
Deposits: | Withdrawals: |
Thoughtful gestures | Criticism |
Small surprises | Inconsistency |
Acts of service | Neglect |
Words of affirmation | Dismissiveness |
“Where’s your love account at?”
Ask this question weekly. It creates a safe, non-defensive check-in.
Mini-exercise:
Tonight, ask your partner, “What could I do this week to make a deposit into your love account?” Then follow through.
Redefining Intimacy: Physical and Emotional
Intimacy isn’t just sex. It’s any form of closeness—emotional, spiritual, and physical.
Trending Tip: Couples who prioritize both touch and trust tend to stay connected longer. That means hugging more, talking deeply, and sharing values.
Real talk: You can go from lovers to roommates in a few years if you’re not careful. The antidote? Scheduled connection.
- Weekly date night
- Morning coffee ritual
- Nightly five-minute cuddle check-in
Spiritual intimacy tip: Praying, meditating, or visualizing goals together can deepen your bond.
Vision-Casting for the Future
A thriving relationship needs a shared direction. Don’t just exist—create a shared future.
“You will be married two or three times in your life—hopefully to the same person.”
Create your couple’s vision statement:
- What do we want to create together?
- How do we want to be remembered?
- What values define us?
Write it down. Revisit it annually.
Final Thoughts: A Relationship Is a Living Thing
Relationships grow or wither based on what you feed them. If you want connection, you must nurture it with intention, attention, and care.
Most important takeaway?
You’re training your partner how to treat you—and how to see you—every single day.
So be intentional. Speak life. Stay curious. Be a team.
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